"Christian teaching about the family is applicable at any time, in any economic and social conditions . . . A modern happy family is built on the same foundations as strong and happy Christian families have been built for the last two thousand years."
Getting to know the lives of wonderful families (see “Six real stories about living Christian families” ) made it possible to draw attention to this seemingly expected, but still unexpected thing: “good” families, although different, still have a lot in common. Sometimes this commonality is so obvious that it seems incredible: at different times, in different cultures, in different economic situations, “model” families in some aspects turn out to be suspiciously similar to each other. I’m not talking now about faith, but about seemingly insignificant coincidences that are not ideological.
For me, such coincidences are a reason to talk about some patterns. But the question arises: how legitimate are such conclusions? Maybe it's wishful thinking? Is it true that these recipes are universal? Or maybe these are really just coincidences? Maybe this is all true (if true at all) only for some special categories of citizens?
Not long ago I came across a modern popular book that shows those same “recipes for family success”: “Agile in the Family”[1]. It seemed interesting and appropriate for me to relate this particular book to my findings. So I will try, to some extent, to compare “modern” ideas about a “strong and happy” family with the reality that I saw in the lives of the “wonderful families” I met. I will try to correlate my “strongly Orthodox” conclusions with the obviously “far from religious bias” conclusions of overseas authors. This way we can see if there is any common ground. We will be able to see what we talked about in the first article — “Christian family: are the norms outdated, the ideals unattainable and oppressive? Is Christian teaching about family relevant?” Let's check how true the common idea is that Christian teaching builds a family that is “good for eternity,” but that for earthly life in its modern reality this teaching is not suitable, and perhaps even does not allow “strongly believing people” to "just be happy."
Bruce Feiler
The author of this family-building bestseller begins a conversation about recipes for success with these words:
“At the beginning of the 20th century, family science focused mainly on the weaknesses to which the family is exposed (This remark is true not only for the West, but also for domestic family science, and in our country this situation persisted until the beginning of the 10s of the 21st century - A.S. ). However, in the 1960s. Several scientists have made an attempt to identify common features of healthy families"[2].
This is exactly what I tried to do in the book “The Lives of Remarkable Families: Six Real Stories” - to raise the stories of healthy families, to identify those same common features. But let's continue reading:
“The US Department of Health and Human Services <in 1989> invited about ten researchers to a conference in Washington and asked them to find common ground on this issue. Ahead of the conference, organizers said: 'Researchers, policymakers and the media have focused on how and why families fall apart. Much less attention is paid to strong, healthy families and the characteristics that make them so prosperous'”[3].
The results of a study of a huge number of families were presented, and a list of qualities common to strong and prosperous families was compiled. These lists were then put together and agreed upon to create a nine-item “recipe” list. I will give all these points in a row, without cuts. And I will comment on each point.
1. Friendly communication
"Communication. Members of a successful family talk to each other often; their communication style is honest, clear and open, even when they disagree with each other" [4].
There are three points here:
- communication in general;
- communication is open (I’ll call it friendly);
- in case of any disagreement, people resolve the issue with the help of this very type of communication.
In general, here is the fact that problems are solved or prevented by words, by conversation.
This whole point is confirmed in the lives of “model” families. We see members of wonderful families - husband and wife, parents and children - often talking to each other. We see this manner of communication - honest, clear and open - in the personal correspondence, for example, of Alexei Stepanovich Khomyakov and his wife Katerina [5].
We see this same friendly openness, the desire to talk about everything that is felt, that is thought, in the relations of the Royal Martyrs.
How “wonderful” spouses communicate with each other in case of disagreement, but still in keeping with harmony and love, we see in the example of one wonderful family, whose story, for a number of reasons, was not included in the book “The Life of Wonderful Families.” This example seems to most clearly reflect disagreement in the midst of agreement. This is the story of the great teacher and saint Gregory the Theologian, about how his young mother Nonna turned his father, Gregory the Elder, to God. In the situation described, the girl, “from ancient times and from her ancestors, God-loving and Christ-loving,” found herself married to an unbeliever:
“She, out of an abundance of faith, did not tolerate being in union with a non-believer, and although she was the most patient and courageous of women, the only thing she could not preserve was wisdom, so that one half could be in union with God, and the other part of herself would remain in alienation from God. On the contrary, she wanted a spiritual union to join the physical union. Therefore, day and night she fell before God, in fasting and with many tears, and she asked Him to grant salvation to her head. She tirelessly interacted with her husband, trying to win him in various ways: with reproaches, admonitions, favors, excommunication, and most of all with her morals and fiery jealousy about piety, by which the heart most deeply bows and softens, voluntarily allowing itself to be forced to virtue... She asked for this, she hoped for this not so much with the fervor of her young years, but with the fervor of faith”[6].
Under such wise leadership, Nonna’s husband became a zealous Christian. Together with his wife he raised three holy children, received the rank of bishop, and also persuaded his son — Gregory the Theologian — to accept the priesthood, and he ordained his son. This great lamp of the Church called the relationship between his parents perfect:
“I think that if someone, looking for the most perfect marriage for himself, had gone around all the ends of the earth and the entire human race, he would not have found the best and most agreeable... The wife given by God to my father was not only a collaborator for him, which is not very surprising, but also a leader. She herself, in word and deed, directed him to everything excellent. And although she considered it her first duty, according to the law of marriage, to submit to her husband in everything else; however, she was not ashamed to be his mentor in piety. Of course, she deserves surprise in this; but even more amazing is the one who submits to it voluntarily”[7].
2. The uniqueness of each person and a sense of belonging to the whole
“Encouraging individuality. Strong families value the uniqueness of each member and at the same time cultivate a sense of belonging to the whole.”
Here the “encouragement of individuality” turns out to be an integral part of the “cult of a sense of belonging to the whole.” With this caveat, this is a point about the uniqueness of everyone. We'll look at the cult of the whole in the next, third paragraph.
What is meant by this value of the “uniqueness” of each person? This moment can be looked at from different angles. But in general, we can say: in the history of “model” families, we see that everyone’s individuality is truly valued. They don't cut everyone with the same brush. Parents allow children to choose their own path in life. Sometimes parents accept a child’s choice that does not coincide with their plans. This is the story of Macrina, the daughter of St. Basil the Elder and Saint Emmelia, about whom I wrote separately: “On the relationship between holy parents and adult holy children.”
And in other families we also see respect for the uniqueness of each member. This even manifests itself in such an interesting point: some children of wonderful parents obviously follow in the footsteps of their parents, but many children follow a completely different path - they choose a non-parental profession, for example. And parents actively and attentively support their children. One of these special stories of encouraging individuality, which shows the theory of such encouragement, practice, and results, is the story of the psychiatrist Ivan Sikorsky and his son, the famous aircraft designer Igor.
3. Family devotion
"Devotion to family. Members of successful families make it clear to each other and to the world how deeply committed they are to their family.”
This moment is incredibly clearly manifested in all the stories of wonderful, successful, kind families that I have ever encountered. Members of such families realize, formulate, express in words and deeds the idea of their family as a special unity. They make it clear to each other and the whole world that they are together, they are one whole.
We see this moment especially clearly in the history of the family of the Royal Martyrs.
“Our love and our life are one whole, we are so connected that one cannot doubt both love and fidelity - nothing can separate us or reduce our love”[8], - this is a tiny sketch about the relationship between a husband and wife in this holy family.
The correspondence of the Royal parents and their children is all permeated with a “cult of devotion” to each other. The devotion to their family in the lives of these holy people was so obvious that researchers often accuse the Royal Family of isolation. We see similar relationships in other families, for example, in the story of the Bogolyubovs: their children played with neighboring children in the yard, visited relatives, studied in educational institutions, communicated with classmates - but the main social circle for parents and children remained the family, and close friends were primarily family members.
Here one cannot help but recall the patristic teaching on the family, in which the husband “will cleave to his wife and the two will become one flesh,” in which mutual devotion, the unification of family members into one whole turns out to be one of the most important tasks: these are the connecting of “love, harmony, and like-mindedness”. This is the idea of the family as a small Church and as a small state.
4. General value system
"Spiritual well-being. The researchers concluded that members of high-functioning families share a common value system and share the same moral beliefs, but emphasized that these beliefs are not limited to religious affiliation or frequent attendance at religious services.”
The stories of wonderful families - it seems, all of them, and not just those included in my book - show that members of successful families really do have a common system of values — they have the same moral beliefs declared and confirmed by life. In general, I would put the point about shared values, moral beliefs, and one faith at the top of such a list of recipes. But she only promised to correlate her findings with recipes from an “independent” source - so I mention this point only here.
In this case, it is necessary to pay attention to the clause regarding religion and frequent attendance at services. In stories about the lives of wonderful families, we see that it is religion, loyalty to God and the Church, that holds the family together into a single whole. We see that this very “attendance to services” turns out to be an important, if not the most important part of a family’s life, like prayers, like all internal and external aspects of “religious life.” Nowadays it may be fashionable to frighten parents: “don’t overfeed your children with Orthodoxy, otherwise they will leave the Church and the family.” But in the stories of wonderful families, while we see a very sensitive and respectful attitude of parents towards the faith of their own children, at the same time we see the serious immersion of the entire family, including all children, in religion.
So, in the Khomyakov family there are prayers and fasting for all family members. Their children at all ages, together with their parents, observe fasts, come to church for services, and receive the Sacraments. In the family of the Royal Martyrs we see regular attendance at divine services, where they study the faith, talk about the faith, and live by the faith. When they cannot go to church, they pray at home and read the Holy Scriptures. When the church is inaccessible, they themselves pray and read services at home.
There is an important point here: Researchers declare the importance of common values and moral beliefs. But religion precisely defines, emphasizes, and preserves these very values. Therefore, common values are closely related to religion, and of course, cannot be reduced to attending services, whether frequent or rare, but certainly include diligent participation in divine services.
On the other hand... in the stories of close-knit, successful families there are also disagreements, including on issues of faith. Thus, in that same story about the mother of St. Gregory the Theologian, St. Nonna was married to a man with whom she really did not have a common religion. To bring the relationship to complete agreement, young Nonna converted her husband to the faith. And a completely different story: the children of the New Martyr John of Artobolevsky grew up as believing children, remained ardently believing teenagers, but did not always remain in the Church in adulthood. The holy father's son grew up and — unfortunately, this is a common story — fell into fornication. Of course, he also left the Church: the idea of “living in fornication and continuing to participate in the sacraments” is, of course, unthinkable here. And the parents, for whom such behavior of an adult child was contrary to everything in the world, did not push away the prodigal son, but continued to communicate with him. Years passed, this son repented of his wayward cohabitation, entered into a legal marriage, and asked his father to marry them — and then he openly attended church services until his death, even though it had become not only unfashionable at that time, but also dangerous.
In such stories, for believing family members, their beliefs and values remain an unshakable priority, but there is also a willingness to love your spouse even when he is of “another faith”, to accept your child, even when he has trampled on what is most dear to his parents, when his head is full of "porridge" instead of Christian beliefs and values. Still pray, love, and believe: the prodigal son will return to true values, return to the faith of his childhood, to the faith of his parents.
5. No isolation
"Social connections. Successful families are not isolated; they are connected to the community and turn to friends and neighbors in times of crisis.”
If the second point — about devotion to the family — shows the family as a cyclical structure, as a kind of vicious circle, then this point clarifies: it is a circle inscribed in other circles. If you imagine a family not as a circle, but as a house, this point shows that the house has many windows and open doors.
In stories about the lives of wonderful families, we see that not only in moments of crisis, but in general, wonderful families are always connected with other communities. First of all, of course, with the Church. Both in a big sense and in a specific sense. A non-obvious topic: you can simply “believe in God” even in the closed world of your family.
In addition to the Church, wonderful families also have contact with other communities (which ones they have contact with depend on the specific family, its status, and the interests of parents and children). The general point, perhaps, is this: wonderful parents brought their “ministry” into their home, and vice versa - they brought their family and children into their “work”. The easiest way to generalize this is through the example of the lives of professorial families. Here, parents specifically and often took their children with them to various events at their university, offered their children some related forms of study, and on the other hand, parents at home in front of their children did scientific work, discussed matters in front of their children and even with their children.
Separately, we can mention communication with “neighbors” (a loose concept, of course). These are various social events in which the whole family regularly participated. Holidays (church or name days), which were held in public space and during which guests gathered. In general, regularly receiving guests, large and small, means communicating with friends, family, neighbors, and like-minded people. In the homes of wonderful families there were other families, there were adults who were strangers, but their own in culture, with whom children also had the opportunity to communicate — I note, an incredibly important moment in the formation of a child’s personality, in the process of transmitting culture from one generation to another.
And yet I agree about the crisis: indeed, in difficult times, connections with other people, built in a stable time, played an important positive role in the lives of wonderful families.
6. Ability to adapt
“The ability to adapt. Strong families are structured but flexible, and their structure changes under the influence of stress.”
There are two points to this point: structure and flexibility. There is clearly a structure in the lives of wonderful families: it is a very obvious hierarchy. Here, firstly, the husband and father has genuine recognized authority for all family members. Secondly, children are completely obedient to their parents, parents directly guide their children, and the children themselves, “naturally,” accept this leadership. A unanimous and concordant hierarchy can be traced in all the families studied and is directly emphasized by the heroes themselves, members of these wonderful families.
Flexibility and modification of structure are also present in these same “hierarchically structured” families. At difficult, turning points in life, roles can change dramatically, while surprisingly maintaining a reference to the structure that a stable family life presupposed.
Again, a striking example is the story of Saint Emmelia. She taught her eldest daughter Macrina as a teacher and was the full leader of the girl’s life. But when the holy mother of nine holy children was broken by grief, Macrina took on the role of a true mentor to her own mother, retaining this role throughout the rest of her life, while... remaining a respectful and loving daughter. Another example: Saint Nicholas II loved to spend time with his children, but he was not directly involved in their education: his wife organized the educational process, and the teachers were specially selected professionals. But after his arrest, the Tsar took on a parental role that was new for him — the role of a teacher of his children. And another example: in the family of professor Archpriest Bogolyubov, he himself was the head of the house. But when this confessor found himself under arrest, and even more so when he left this life, his wife, the mother of the family, became the head of the family. Also, care for the financial well-being of the family most often ends up in the original structure — on the shoulders of the father of the family, but often, for a variety of reasons, both the mother and children begin to provide for the financial support of the family.
7. Ability to appreciate and express feelings
“The ability to appreciate. Members of strong families deeply value each other and often express their feelings. And those who do not like to show their emotions convey them through actions, doing something meaningful for others.”
This is exactly how, globally and in small details, all this is present in the lives of wonderful families. We especially see such moments in the personal correspondence of the Khomyakovs and members of the Royal Family: indeed, they are not shy about expressing their feelings, but clearly cultivate them. Just like the task stated in theory, this constantly manifested itself in the real life of this holy family and other wonderful families: always, every day, try to do something kind for your husband, wife, parents, brothers, and sisters — show them attention and care, give them joy. I comment briefly not because it is unimportant, but because it is too obvious — there is nothing to prove.
8. Responsibility
“Clear roles. Members of prosperous families are aware of their responsibility to the team.”
Mutual responsibility and understanding the importance of one’s role in the family is a cross-cutting theme in stories about the lives of wonderful families. Here, in general, there is mutual responsibility, but the roles of the father and mother of the family stand out especially. This is the role of the father and husband as the main caretaker, protector of the family, and the person with primary responsibility in the house. The implementation of this role is always a little different and depends, apparently, on the character of the head of the family, and on his type of activity. In most of the stories examined, the father is actively involved in the upbringing of his children and directly teaches them himself. Sometimes the father is the only teacher of his children, sometimes he is simply the main teacher, and sometimes the child has many other teachers, but the father still has the role of a teacher, and it is significant.
Also for mothers: in every story the wife has this very “clear role,” but for each specific woman this role is special in its own way. At the same time, despite all the “clarity,” roles may change, but this same sense of responsibility to the family remains, which is especially evident in difficult times for the family. Thus, during the hungry years of the Civil War, the teenage children of Archpriest John Artobolevsky enthusiastically began to work, engaged in physical labor and tutoring, and brought all the money they earned (usually earned food) into the house, realizing themselves as the breadwinners of their family.
9. Spending time together
“Spending time together. Members of strong families spend time together doing things they enjoy.”
This is truly a feature of wonderful families — regular, specially organized time together. For strong families, the stated value and task is to spend time together, doing something together. This turns out to be one of the main ways to achieve the connection of family members into one whole, one of the ways to form a common educational and cultural space, one of the ways to simply get to know each other, again and again, becoming friends more and more, loving one another more and more.
In the story of the Khomyakov family, the father often takes his children with him when he goes somewhere on business, and he spends free time almost every day with his children: evenings at home, visits to church and museums, walks, and real general work. In the Sikorsky story, the father's work is organized so that the work of the parents, the work of adult children, and the life of the entire family take place in a single physical space. The history of the Royal Martyrs includes common evenings, reading books, board games and sports, staging plays, and always going on vacations together. In the history of the Artobolevskys, everything is the same — vacations are always taken together. In the story of the Bogolyubovs, the father was engaged in scientific work together with his young sons, inviting them to work next to him. In times of famine they worked together, literally harnessed to the same team when they ground grain, and of course they were always going to church together.
Spending time together in these families was a natural part of life. On the other hand, it was specially built into the daily, weekly, and yearly routine. Even the layout of the palaces, houses, and small apartments of these heroes contributed to spending time together. I have already talked about one of the elements of the “unifying layout” concept — shared children’s bedrooms — in this article: “Six recipe ideas from the lives of wonderful families.”
***
In general, it is quite correct to draw conclusions: times and cultures change, but in general, the “recipes” for a strong, healthy family remain approximately the same. This means that the “old” stories have not lost their relevance. This means that the idea of a “traditional family” — the idea of a “real Orthodox family” — is compatible with modern reality. More precisely, the Christian teaching about the family is applicable at any time, in any economic and social conditions; in its fundamentals it cannot become obsolete.
A modern happy family is built on the same foundations as strong and happy Christian families have been built for the last two thousand years.
And one more thing: Christian teaching, of course, shows the structure of the family as a small Church, shows how serving God in the family is organized, how family life can lead family members to the Kingdom of Heaven. At the same time, as a bonus, as a side effect, professing Christian teachings in deed and word also allows you to build a happy family — happy precisely by “earthly” standards — allowing members of the family to be successful people in all respects, both individually and together.
[1] Feiler Bruce . Agile in the family. 200 bold and fresh ideas. M., 2020.
[2] Ibid. P. 80.
[3] Ibid.
[4] Here and below, each item on the list: Ibid. pp. 81-82.
[5] Khomyakov A.S. Letters // Khomyakov A.S. Full composition of writings. T. 8. M., 1904. P. 11-12.
[6] Gregory the Theologian , saint. Sermon 18. Spoken in praise of the father and in consolation of the mother Nonna in the presence of St. Basil, to whom the introduction to this word is addressed // Gregory the Theologian , saint. Collection of works in 2 volumes. T.1. Holy Trinity Sergius Lavra, 1994. P. 267.
[7] Ibid. P. 265.
[8] Letters written during marriage. Tsar Nicholas II Alexandrovich and Tsarina Alexandra Feodorovna, 1898-1914. // Wonderful Light. Empress Alexandra Feodorovna Romanova. Diary entries, correspondence, biography. M., 2003. P. 240.
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